| come down and waste away with me. |
[06 Oct 2007|04:14am] |
I’ve never really put a lot of thought into things, which is probably one of my biggest flaws. I attach myself to things easily and if things are good once, I’m usually convinced that they’ll always remain that way. Even when all evidence points to the opposite. Maybe it makes me some sort of optimist, but that mindset really only applies to situations in my life and not really to myself in general. I should add that I’m typing out this update at 4 AM and it probably won’t make much sense to anyone. I’ve gotten to the point where I have spoiled myself so much that I can’t sleep unless I’m touching someone else’s skin. As bizarre as that sounds, it’s sadly true enough that even when Cayti is mad at me I’ll sneak into her apartment and sleep at the furthest edge of the bed, just touching her hand because I need to be near her. I don’t know if it would apply to touching anyone else, honestly, but on days that I’m forced to sleep by myself it’s really difficult to fall asleep without some sort of aid like alcohol or Nyquil. The real hard truth that it’s a pathetic fact that I’m only eighteen and drinking or drugging myself to sleep when my girlfriend is mad at me doesn’t escape me, but it’s only me being honest. I guess that's why I've found it so damn hard to be without her lately, though? Because I fell into some sort of normalcy in the month that it was just me and her, where no matter what happened, at the end of the night she would be there and everything would end up being okay. Some days I feel like it's not going to be okay, but it's probably just my clingyness coming back into effect and I'm trying to work on that.
I’ve been working a lot lately and I think that’s just put a strain on all aspects of my life. My body is angry, my head is angry and I know for sure my heart can’t take much more of this. I feel so much older than I should, and not in a good way. I think I was thrown into life on my own much sooner than I should have been, and as difficult as it is, I’ve been struggling to keep my head above water. A lot of these days I feel like I’m mostly drowning, and I feel like I’m being a burden if I were to turn to anyone else for help. I haven’t talked to my brothers since I returned to Longport and that’s probably the most awful thing in the world. At one point in my life, my family was everything. And all I have now is a couple really good friends and a great girlfriend, and it’s okay that they’re my family now. I’ve been more than difficult lately and I don’t blame anyone but myself. I’m hoping that my crazy hectic life will slow down, and that maybe just maybe I’ll get to spend more than ten conscious minutes with my girlfriend.
I keep listening to the Foo Fighters’ Everlong on repeat. It’s a live version, not to mention my favorite song, and it relaxes me. It gets me to some sort of coma state so I can get a few hours with my eyes closed. I need to get some sort of rest. Because I’ve volunteered myself for this big brother/big sister program that helps as a credit towards my GED. My little brother dude is named David, he’s a little black boy who is eight years old and loves zombies and going to the zoo. We’re going to the zoo tomorrow, so in order to keep up with eight year old David who asked me to be his girlfriend (he didn’t really understand that I already had a girlfriend of my own), I need to rejuvenate myself with an hour or two of rest. So, goodnight Longport, or an attempted goodnight. And hopefully I’ll be back with a vengeance starting tomorrow.
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